welcome, my little toddler

Sam, you are turning 1 this week and I'm an emotional mess. 

Ever since you started walking a month ago, I've seen a new awareness in you that can only be categorized as impending toddlerhood. You prefer to walk now and will often get upset if you're in the Ergo or in the highchair for too long. When I bend down to pick you up, you arch your back and turn to jello. You're very sure about what you want to eat (apple spears, not pear) and when you want to eat it, and you will let me know when you're ready for your water. You love to shake your head "no" - I often wonder when you will learn to nod your head "yes"! Diaper and clothing changes have turned into WWE wrestling matches. Your eyes light up when you recognize something you like.  You look at different objects more inquisitively than you ever have before. You're more emotional now and will cry when I drop you off at daycare and you will look around fearfully when you see a stranger enter the room - but, when you're out in public, you love strangers and will laugh and smile at them openly. I love that about you and it reminds me to smile more too. You give me the best open-mouth drooly kisses. I can't really cuddle with you anymore, you prefer to wrestle with your dad.

On a daily level, I love this newness. I laugh because I think you're the funniest person in the world; I smile because I think you're the cutest, even when you cry. But when I stop to think about these changes, I feel a tug at my heart because I know your baby-ness is getting away from me. Many moms before me and after me have and will wax poetic about motherhood and children growing up too fast - I know I'm not the first nor the last. But dang... it really is going by too fast...

Welcome, my little toddler. 

happy new year!

I still can't believe it's 2014.

Last night, I looked up at my husband and said to him, "This June, we will be married 3 years. Which means we've been together for 12." He looked at me sort of stunned at first, then his face softened into a grin and said, "So, how's it been?"

Well 2013 has definitely been the year of all years for me. The year I started my journey into motherhood and will never look back.

Sam will be 1 in a couple of weeks, completing one revolution around the sun. He's walking now, teeter tottering from room to room, like a gingerbread man. He often holds both arms up or will clutch one of his favorite toys for balance. He makes all sorts of sounds now - I know he's trying to articulate something but I'm still not sure what, though I often guess. He definitely knows how to say "Dada" and he knows who Dada is.

This morning during breakfast I watched as Sam waddled from room to room. He had two of his favorite wood blocks with him, one in each little dimpled fist. He was yapping away about something as he moved, with purpose, from living room to dining room to kitchen and back again - my husband patiently steering around him as he made us a much needed pot of coffee. Sam was trying to corral the dogs together but only succeeded in sending them scurrying away to every corner of our house to get away from his clumsy stomping feet and grabbing hands. Somewhat defeated, he would head back to the kitchen and wedge his big head between my husband's knees (oh, he's still so little!), only to waddle back to the living room, once again in search of ... the dogs? His toys?  His next adventure!

These are the mornings I want to remember. The fleeting rituals of our daily lives. Our little son is growing up right before our eyes. And I still can't believe that he even exists at all.

{via the atlantic}

a thankful note

I know I'm a week behind Thanksgiving Day, but I just felt compelled to remind myself to be thankful.  It seems silly that I would need a reminder, since this is the year I had my baby and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for him. But this year has also been the most challenging and the past couple of weeks have been especially so.

Last night I visited my new baby niece in the hospital, an hour after she was born into this world. There she was with her little newborn limbs - stretching and shaking out her arms, legs, fingers and toes for the very first time. Oh how great that must feel after being curled up in utero for so many months! Hearing her cry and grunt as she fell in and out of slumber. Her newborn cries were thin and barely audible as the vibrations from her vocal cords hit the air for the first time - these cries will become more pronounced and demanding over time and they will be the cries that shatter you heart or exhaust you. It immediately took me back 10 months ago to the morning Samuel was born.  I felt a warmth rise in my chest and this warmth helped me sleep restfully last night. And I'm thankful for little Lulu's reminder that we should live our lives as graciously as the day we entered it.

{via travel&leisure}

sunnier days

We've just discovered Sam's first favorite song! It's called "Sunnier Days" by Diego Garcia. My husband heard the song on NPR and liked the upbeat melody and simple lyrics.

The other morning, Andrew decided to play the song for Sam and his reaction was akin to that of a Beatles fan! It was hysterical. I recorded his reaction below - admittedly, it was the most tame reaction of the morning, as it was the third or forth time that we played the song for him. Nevertheless, it's pretty awesome - at least I think so, anyway.

siblings

One of the (many) funny things about having a baby is how many people ask you when you're going to have your next one.  Here I am, barely getting into the groove of being a parent for the first time, and - BOOM - the questions: "When's the next one?" "Have you started on #2?" "The trend now is to have your kids 2.5 years apart - how many years apart do you want your kids to be?" Cue the rapid heart palpitations...

There are a slew of hot topics within the discussion of siblings.  There's Child Spacing - how many years apart you want your kids to be - and the financial, physical and familial implications of that, depending on which publication your read. One mom expressed her grief about conceiving too late after her first child because by the time #2 was born, #1 would be 4 years old and they wouldn't be able to go to the same high school and have the same friends.  Another mom had her children 16 months apart and couldn't say better things about it - changing 2 diapers at the same time is apparently a breeze because you just get it all over with.

There's the age old Birth Order discussion - personality traits of the oldest, the middle and the youngest and what all that means to the world. In Japanese culture, Birth Order is very important - there's the exalted prestige that comes with being the First Born Son.  And there are theories on which sibling is the best to marry - according to my mother, you should never marry the oldest. But, she'll also tell you, with her self-deprecating wit: "Never marry the youngest either - trust me, I'm speaking from experience." (Ha! Sorry, Papa)

So naturally, my husband and I talk about it ad nauseam. We are both the youngest in our families - he has a sister who is 5 years older and I have a brother who is 2 years older. We talk about how it was like growing up with siblings, being the younger sibling, what it might have been like if we were the eldest, or the only.  There are the jokes that have now become a part of our family lore and are the stories that we repeat at every family get together.  For instance, we complain about how there are barely any pictures of us because being born in a pre-digital camera age and being the second is definitely a double whammy.  Or how my parents barely remember when my milestones happened. And I recently heard about a second sibling friend of mine whose parents forgot if he ever contracted chicken pox as a child - they for sure remember his older sister getting it when she was 6 years old but what about little Ben... hmmm...

There are also the painful memories of sibling rivalry - name calling and hitting, jealousy, rage, fighting for attention and praise.  Siblingdom is a tough space - the scars you get along the way are permanent and deep.

I bring this up because I had one of the biggest arguments I have ever had with my big brother the other night. It's crazy to admit that, as adults, we're capable of such behavior, but it happened.  There was name calling and insults, yelling and screaming, and threats. It was really ugly and I'm still reeling from it.  And to add to my embarassment - we're both new parents. My brother is a father to my darling 27 month old niece with another baby girl due in a week or so, and I have Sam.

With 2 years between us, my brother and I were often mistaken for twins. I had a growth spurt early on and was pretty much the same height as my brother throughout our adolescence. I have distinct memories of being that annoying little sister who wanted to hang out with him and his friends and often tagged along with them - my brother has a kind heart and always allowed it, but probably secretly hated it. We were definitely different - he was kind and sort of quiet, not very good in school, but always went. I was rebellious and a tomboy, talked all the time and very loudly, was a bit of a drama queen, and excelled in school - which fueled my rebelliousness ("Sure, I can ditch class today - I aced that test!" - that sort of cocky mentality.)  As different as we are, we have the same sense of humor and those moments when we're laughing over the same things are the moments that I love. The day of my wedding when my brother stood next to my groom to be a witness to our vows - a keeper of the promise my husband and I made to each other - is a day I will never forget and I don't think I would've chosen anyone else to be there.

So what is it about our relationship that continues to be wrought with distress? I read this about children who are spaced two years apart and the impact that has on the eldest child: "... sibling rivalry tends to be at its strongest when the age gap between children is around two years, which has much to do with child development issues.  At the age of two, children become frustrated easily when they cannot control their environment.  This means they are prone to tantrums and jealousy." Was our relationship doomed the minute my parents brought me home from the hospital? Was my mere presence a point of contention for my 2 year old brother who was still at an age when he needed his parents' attention and didn't like to share it? And have I since relished my time in the spotlight a bit too much?

"The New Science of Siblings" is a popular Time Magazine article from 2006. I keep reading the following excerpt over and over again:

From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales.  They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride.  They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them.  Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys.  Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us.  Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life. "Siblings," says family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis, "are with us for the whole journey."

The wound from our recent blow out is still so new and fresh that it actually makes me think hard about Sam and if I would want him to be entrenched in such a strange relationship - it's silly to think that way, I know, but if I let my emotions get the better of me (which they tend to), it's enough to make me pause.

The article says my brother is my true partner for life. How we choose to navigate our partnership as siblings is the part that I'm still, at 33 years old, trying to figure out.

milestones

The first year of a baby's life is marked by many precious milestones - when they first smile, laugh, sit up, crawl, stand, walk. As a parent, you look forward to these milestones and take note of them because each milestone marks a new development and awareness in your child that takes your breath away to witness.

I think it's also important to note that parents meet milestones too. For instance - that time I finally stopped breaking out into a nervous sweat when my baby would cry in public was a huge milestone for me. Or the first time I left the house with my baby all by myself (we drove to his well baby check up - two words: car mirror). Or when breastfeeding finally got easy, the day I decided to wean him, and our last breastfeeding session - all really important milestones.

Last night, my husband and I went on a date - our first real date in 9 months. It was the first time we hired a non-family member to babysit! It was definitely a big deal. But I finally felt semi-comfortable to take this plunge because Sam started sleeping straight through the night. Before then, I didn't feel comfortable leaving the house knowing that he would wake up in a few hours.

It was so fun! My husband and I talked a lot - yes, we talked about Sam, but we managed to have normal adult conversation too! We laughed a lot. And I even got a little tipsy! It felt good. A major milestone that marked a new development and awareness in our role as parents.

halloween

I was born a few days before Halloween so you can imagine all of the Halloween-themed birthday parties I had growing up. This is probably why I've always felt very indifferent about Halloween - I don't hate it, but I don't love it.

After having my son sam, the question on everyone's lips since October 1st has been - "What's Sam going to be for Halloween? His first Halloween!" I seriously didn't realize a baby's first Halloween was such a big deal! And my response of "Well, I'm not really into Halloweeen..." was met with shock and horror! I had one friend tell me - "Well you better get into the spirit! It's a BIG DEAL for children." really? it is?

I get it. It's about imagination - a night where you get to celebrate ghouls and monsters and things that go bump in the night, to dress up in costume - the mystery and the slight fear. The world to a baby and a child is cloaked in shadows and the unknown. Everything is new and sort of scary and there are things they can't understand or explain. Taking one day to celebrate it, to make all of those things ok and to actually participate in it, is satisfying - not to mention fun and filled with sweets! 

So i've made Sam's first Halloween costume - well part of it. And he will participate in his daycare's Halloween parade - it's going to be fun and SUPER CUTE! Maybe I'll really get into the spirit and dress up myself! Crazier things have happened...

PS. This Halloween costume definitely puts the one I made for Sam to shame! Yowza.