siblings

One of the (many) funny things about having a baby is how many people ask you when you're going to have your next one.  Here I am, barely getting into the groove of being a parent for the first time, and - BOOM - the questions: "When's the next one?" "Have you started on #2?" "The trend now is to have your kids 2.5 years apart - how many years apart do you want your kids to be?" Cue the rapid heart palpitations...

There are a slew of hot topics within the discussion of siblings.  There's Child Spacing - how many years apart you want your kids to be - and the financial, physical and familial implications of that, depending on which publication your read. One mom expressed her grief about conceiving too late after her first child because by the time #2 was born, #1 would be 4 years old and they wouldn't be able to go to the same high school and have the same friends.  Another mom had her children 16 months apart and couldn't say better things about it - changing 2 diapers at the same time is apparently a breeze because you just get it all over with.

There's the age old Birth Order discussion - personality traits of the oldest, the middle and the youngest and what all that means to the world. In Japanese culture, Birth Order is very important - there's the exalted prestige that comes with being the First Born Son.  And there are theories on which sibling is the best to marry - according to my mother, you should never marry the oldest. But, she'll also tell you, with her self-deprecating wit: "Never marry the youngest either - trust me, I'm speaking from experience." (Ha! Sorry, Papa)

So naturally, my husband and I talk about it ad nauseam. We are both the youngest in our families - he has a sister who is 5 years older and I have a brother who is 2 years older. We talk about how it was like growing up with siblings, being the younger sibling, what it might have been like if we were the eldest, or the only.  There are the jokes that have now become a part of our family lore and are the stories that we repeat at every family get together.  For instance, we complain about how there are barely any pictures of us because being born in a pre-digital camera age and being the second is definitely a double whammy.  Or how my parents barely remember when my milestones happened. And I recently heard about a second sibling friend of mine whose parents forgot if he ever contracted chicken pox as a child - they for sure remember his older sister getting it when she was 6 years old but what about little Ben... hmmm...

There are also the painful memories of sibling rivalry - name calling and hitting, jealousy, rage, fighting for attention and praise.  Siblingdom is a tough space - the scars you get along the way are permanent and deep.

I bring this up because I had one of the biggest arguments I have ever had with my big brother the other night. It's crazy to admit that, as adults, we're capable of such behavior, but it happened.  There was name calling and insults, yelling and screaming, and threats. It was really ugly and I'm still reeling from it.  And to add to my embarassment - we're both new parents. My brother is a father to my darling 27 month old niece with another baby girl due in a week or so, and I have Sam.

With 2 years between us, my brother and I were often mistaken for twins. I had a growth spurt early on and was pretty much the same height as my brother throughout our adolescence. I have distinct memories of being that annoying little sister who wanted to hang out with him and his friends and often tagged along with them - my brother has a kind heart and always allowed it, but probably secretly hated it. We were definitely different - he was kind and sort of quiet, not very good in school, but always went. I was rebellious and a tomboy, talked all the time and very loudly, was a bit of a drama queen, and excelled in school - which fueled my rebelliousness ("Sure, I can ditch class today - I aced that test!" - that sort of cocky mentality.)  As different as we are, we have the same sense of humor and those moments when we're laughing over the same things are the moments that I love. The day of my wedding when my brother stood next to my groom to be a witness to our vows - a keeper of the promise my husband and I made to each other - is a day I will never forget and I don't think I would've chosen anyone else to be there.

So what is it about our relationship that continues to be wrought with distress? I read this about children who are spaced two years apart and the impact that has on the eldest child: "... sibling rivalry tends to be at its strongest when the age gap between children is around two years, which has much to do with child development issues.  At the age of two, children become frustrated easily when they cannot control their environment.  This means they are prone to tantrums and jealousy." Was our relationship doomed the minute my parents brought me home from the hospital? Was my mere presence a point of contention for my 2 year old brother who was still at an age when he needed his parents' attention and didn't like to share it? And have I since relished my time in the spotlight a bit too much?

"The New Science of Siblings" is a popular Time Magazine article from 2006. I keep reading the following excerpt over and over again:

From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales.  They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride.  They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them.  Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys.  Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us.  Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life. "Siblings," says family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis, "are with us for the whole journey."

The wound from our recent blow out is still so new and fresh that it actually makes me think hard about Sam and if I would want him to be entrenched in such a strange relationship - it's silly to think that way, I know, but if I let my emotions get the better of me (which they tend to), it's enough to make me pause.

The article says my brother is my true partner for life. How we choose to navigate our partnership as siblings is the part that I'm still, at 33 years old, trying to figure out.